Everchanging mood

Somedays I feel hot Somedays I feel not Somedays I think my face is so pretty other days I think my chin looks huge and I should get liposuccion on it. Or a face lift to lift my drooping eyelids. Or laser hair removal to get rid of that ugly beard that I was damned with. Or fake tan sessions to make my tone a bit more golden. I m so yellowish white it s disgusting. Somedays I think big noses are a strong trait of character and that it makes me look smart. Other days I think it hides all the goodness in me Some days I want to get back to my old skinny self and just chop off that expanging bulge I call a belly. I really want to hurt myself because i feel ugly and I don t even deserve to go out in public. Some days I think my curves finally make me fit into the woman kind. I used to feel left out when other girls complained about their weight. I couldn t relate and wish I could. Anything to be like everybody else. I felt guilty to be skinny. I felt ugly to be skinny. And now I ! want those bones to stick out again. I want my flat belly I want the skinny arms. Some days I love and admire my husband. Other days this little voice that s been there since day tells me he s not the right guy for me. Then I shut it up. Leaving him is not an option now. So shut up turn up the music and think of other things. It always goes away. Some days I think my husband looks so hot. Otherdays he repugnates me and I think his breath stinks so much. He should stop wearing that stupid beige Ramones t shirt it s so not flattering. It s a ridiculous shirt I hate it. Makes his belly stick out makes him look like a beer bottle no shoulders god I hate that shirt. It s so not cool. Some days I can t get enough of my son and I love being a mom. Other days I look forward to being alone SO much and I dream of those days before I was a mom. That makes me feel so guilty. I really need to be more patient with him. Some days I find my boss so ordinary bland and boring. Other days he ! is the world to me an example a real man so intelligent and radiant. I would then do anything for him. Anything. Some days I despise men for being jerks. For never finding me attractive enough when I was younger. Too skinny too hairy too stupid. Other days I really feel sexual towards men at my work and fantasize about having sex with them. Even a serious relationship. Then my trucker husband calls and I start loving him again. I love my husband when he s away. I hate it when he s home because I am scared of him. Scared of his nagging. Scared that if I say something I shouldn t that it s gonna cause a fight. Scared that if I really pursue it during that fight that he will hit me or make a scene in front of Ian. I can t let that happen. It scares me when Ian says that his dad is the boss. Some days I m so active and just love being busy I can t get enough stuff to do. Other days I m a lazy bitch and I just think of sleeping. I hate everybody my husband mostly for making me feel so miserable so often for those past years and I could sleep all da! y. Literally. My brain is foggy and cloudy then. no matter how sunny it is outside or how happy people are it s rainy and cloudy my hair frizzes and my double chin sticks out. Sometimes I think my clothes look so nice and that I have style. Other days I look at my clothes and really feel stupid for thinking a big bellied kunt like me can actually look good in anything. My clothes always look wrinkled with cat hairs on them. I m never sharp or never look like I can afford a good outfit. Somedays I want to be a business woman. I feel hot in my suit with my freshly washed hair freshly straightened as I walk towards work and some wind brushes my skin and hair. High heels on I m Da Bomb. I think of getting my tattoos removed I only want to wear subtle gold jewerly I dream of those days when I ll be rich and drive in a BMW. A black one like my boss well his is dark blue but damn it s fine . Other days I want to look like a bum I feel punkrock and show my tattoos I burp loud i lik! e to throw my dirty feet in thong sandals with too long jeans that shred at the bottom from walking on them. I like my black bra to show under my shirts i like to look dirty. I feel dirty. Who am I actually by karine on April . Leave a Reply Name Mail private Website XHTML You can use these tags About This Post This entry was posted on April at am and is filed under Thoughts .You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS . feed.You can leave a response or trackback from your own site. Navigate Previous Helloworld Get a free blog at WordPress.com . Theme ChaoticSoul by Bryan Veloso

Source: http://karineledoux.wordpress.com/2008/04/25/everchanging-mood/


Another site recomended to review: Wedding Venue in Cape Town ( http://www.zandberg.co.za/wedding/ )

Basically nothing seems worth bothering with. I haven't gotten much done these days, but eh. I've just been letting everything wash over me recently. My mind is like a fog. Oh well. I can't be bothered with an! ything these days.

Feel free to read: Guest House in Stellenboch ( http://www.zandberg.co.za )